Five

it's five am
always
and there are five reasons
why i am awake
five reasons
why i never want to wake
grief
sadness
shame
guilt
pain,
five am,
five reasons,
i don't want anything,
anymore.

Hope

I laugh and
I am happy.
I will it to
be true
so far
it never is

getting too

how do you stop
the downward pull
if you don't know how to fly?

i've been told you just let go
you'll float, soar.

but when i do,
i sink
i try
clawing my way up.
but i'm constantly flailing.

there's never anything to grasp

i'm getting too old.
i'm getting too tired.
i'm getting too
getting too
too.

Bare

bones.
i'm happy to see
bones

ribs
hips
spine
bones.

jutting out

my bones
with nothing on them.

-er.

greener than the grass
under which my body lies
softer than the air that blows
through the holes
left in your heart.

happier than that one time
and it was only once
greater than any day
before i saw
what you were.

pale and torn
and
goodbye.

sans voir

blessed are the invisible;

naked and free, unseen.

kept away from the misguided;

alone and safe, untouched.

left to drift, to do and to be;

beautiful and unmarked.

and from the margins,

they're laughing at me.

a weed, a flower.

she was charismatic,
so strong.
flexing her muscles,
smiling,
and winning over hearts.

she walked on her heels,
as if she owned the place.

stomp
stomp
stomping
over us.
silencing us.

she was bright, interesting,
complete.
and i met her,
only to hate her.
growling as i watched her,
in perfect movement,
in sound being,
radiating all that is good.

whilst i sat, curled
in a chair, small
and suffering,
jealous,
and in awe,
she stood and stared down
at me
pushing me farther into the ground.

and i let her.
because i was frozen.
and i let her,
because i am me,
and she is everything.

and she grew, grew, grew.
as i shrank, and disappeared.